


Run Through the Jungle

by Spoodlemonkey



Series: Inktober/Goretober [11]
Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, Incorrect use of Mythology, M/M, Monsters, Post first movie, team fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 21:46:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoodlemonkey/pseuds/Spoodlemonkey
Summary: “Every man for himself!”





	Run Through the Jungle

**Author's Note:**

> Misuse of the El Chupacabra myth, inspired by the song Run Through the Jungle which came on when I was trying to study and this came into existence instead...this is just...crack honestly.

“What the  _ actual fuck _ .”

“Don’t stop now!” Toll shoves him as he pauses to catch his breath. The humidity they’ve been running through has sweat clinging to him  _ every where.  _ It’s the most uncomfortable he’s been in awhile. The  _ chafing _ is probably the worst.

There’s a crashing in the trees behind them, a roar, and he’s spurred back into movement. 

Okay, maybe not the  _ worst  _ part.

“El Chupacabra!” Caesar hollers as he darts by. The man’s bleeding from a head wound and still faster than the rest of them. He curses Caesars long legs. “Every man for himself!”

“There’s  _ no way _ that was El Chupacabra.” He yells back. A vine tries to trip him up and he lets out a colourful stream of curses.

“Man who cares? Whatever the fuck it is, it’s  _ pissed _ .” Toll pants, darting a glance over his shoulder. He pales a little at what he sees so Lee puts on that little bit of extra speed. He knew he shouldn’t have started skipping his morning runs but Barney had been a little too convincing in getting him back into bed. 

Speaking of the man…

They break past the tree line and out into the clearing they’ve parked the helicopter in. Caesar’s somehow managed to make it to the copter already, crawling inside and dragging out the massive machine gun he’d insisted on bringing down with them. Lee’s  _ really _ fucking grateful for it now. Barney’s staring at them all with an odd mixture of disbelief, confusion, and concern. Apparently he’s heard what Caesars been hollering. Lee gets to watch as the disbelief melts away into horror as the fucking  _ monster _ that’s been chasing them through a mile of dense, humid jungle crashes through the trees into the clearing after them.

He doesn’t look. He wants to.  _ Really _ wants to. But holy hell he’s seen enough horror movies to know that’s a sure fire way to get  _ eaten _ .

“Run!” Barney yells and Lee shoves aside his panic long enough to flip him off. 

“Start her up!” He yells back but Yang, fucking  _ wonderful _ Yang has already started the bird up. Another monstrous screech reaches them and he stumbles, rights himself. There’s a strange displacement of air and then Toll has charged right into him and they go tumbling together to the dirt. He gets a mouthful of it before he can roll over and then he wishes he hadn’t.

He has no fucking clue what El Chupacabra is supposed to look like but if he had to imagine it, it wouldn’t be this. 

Nine feet tall at least, built like a fucking  _ tank _ , furry with a long snout, dark matted fur and glowing yellow eyes. It has  _ fangs _ the length of his arm, dripping saliva onto the packed dirt by its clawed feet. 

It screeches again, this time in pain as Caesar sprays it with a hail of bullets.

Not that they seem to be doing much.

“Get up!” Barney’s made it over to them and hauls them each up and then all but  _ drags _ them to the helicopter. 

The creature hisses, swiping at the air but starts to fall back under the barrage of Caesars favourite toy. It falls back to the treeline and they manage to get strapped in and in the air before it recovers. 

And then it’s just the four of them squished in the back, trying to catch their breath while they question everything they ever believed. 

Barney recovers first, grabbing a headset and gesturing for the rest of them to do the same. 

“What the fuck was that?” Is the first thing he asks once they’re all connected. 

“We should have brought Gunner,” Toll groans. “He could’ve wrestled with it while we ran away.”

“That would have ended  _ really  _ well.” Caesar nudges him with his shoulder.

“I didn’t see you waiting for us,” 

“Every man for himself. You know it would have eaten me first, man, I’m too delicious!” 

“Are you saying I’m  _ not  _ delicious?” The offense Toll takes at this is displayed plainly across his face.

Lee rolls his eyes and leans against Barney’s side to peer out of the helicopter window. The clearing has disappeared by now, along with the monster.

“ _ Never _ coming back here.” He swears. 

“Well, it wasn’t  _ too  _ bad.” Barney grins, slings an arm over his shoulders. 

“Next time you can run from El Chupacabra then.” He snorts. 

“That was not El Chupacabra.” Yang adds in from the front. Then under his breath, “ _ Americans _ .”

“Hey!” Lee protests. “Don’t lump me in with them.”

Yang ignores him pointedly. 

“I think you’ve lost him.” Barney offers helpfully and Lee shoots him a venomous look. “All things considered though, things turned out pretty good.”

“We didn’t complete the mission, were nearly eaten by some sort of huge monster, and I have chafing in places that should  _ not _ be chafed.” Lee lists off. Toll snorts. “ _ Literally  _ nothing turned out the way it was supposed to.”

“Celebratory we’re alive sex?” 

Lee pauses.

The others make gagging sounds.

“Please don’t give us details, man.” Caesar begs. “I don’t wanna think about my CO fucking.” 

“Nightmares for  _ years. _ ” Toll adds. “Remember after the Rome mission?”

“They were  _ unbearable _ .” 

“We were  _ not _ .” Barney protests but Lee remembers the mission and remembers how he’d blown Barney on the flight home, claiming any shaking of the plane was turbulence and not his grip on the controls. He keeps quiet, lets them duke it out instead. 

  
  


 


End file.
